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How To Be A Really Cool Person (On The Internet)

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How To Be A Really Cool Person (On The Internet)

Post by Trollestia on Fri Oct 11, 2013 6:00 pm

This guide is going to teach you how to be super cool and make one million friends! Are you ready? Here we go!

Step 1: Use emoticons excessively, but never in the right context.
This one is very important. It's hard to master but once you have this skill down people will at least think you're very smart and wise so you will be at least halfway there to being the coolest cat in the city. Let's say somebody says something you don't agree with, like "It is currently 2012." No it's not! It's 2013! So you say "It's 2013."
Wow, that's really boring. Where's the condescension? The smugness? The sarcasm? Like I said, it's 2013. It's about time you learned how to be cool.
Instead of being bland and boring when you correct people, try using a smiley face. Somebody says they don't like the romaine lettuce on their McChicken. Instead of simply telling them that they use Iceberg lettuce, not romaine, say "Actually, they use iceberg lettuce :)"
DID YOU SEE THAT? LET ME SHOW YOU AGAIN
"Look at this bar graph I made for my math class."
"That's a scatterplot :)"
You're not actually smiling (or if you are, you're not smiling for any related reason). You're not happy. Chances are you're actually very rustled that somebody was wrong on the internet. But if you use this smiley, everybody will see just how nice and helpful you are! Don't forget, everybody who's wrong is 12 and needs an eteacher to guide them through treacherous internet seas, so if you use the smiley you get all the benefits of being a condescending asshat without any of the consequences! And people will love you for it!

Step 2: Everybody is a troll, and you must save the internet from trolls.
If you haven't noticed, the internet is full of trolls. What are trolls, you ask? Trolls are people who say stupid things on the internet. A troll is a moron who somehow managed to figure out how to to use a keyboard. A troll most certainly is not somebody even remotely intelligent trying to get people to react in a negative manner to the things he or she says or does. If you see a comment that you don't like, that's because it was made by a troll. Deal with the troll appropriately.
To deal with a troll, first, call it a troll. Much like how Dragon-types are weak to other Dragons, trolls are weakened every time you call them a troll. Nobody knows why this is but I guarantee you that if you do this the troll will no longer be able to use their computer. Next, say you won't fall for their trolling. When I say "fall for", I don't mean get tricked by, as trolls aren't capable of ruses. What I mean is you won't stoop to their level of stupidity. A troll honestly believes the things he or she types, so telling it that what it just said is stupid will make it reevaluate its whole life! Next, tell everybody to move along. You are the police officer of the internet, a paragon of justice, virtue, and order. Keep the peace by informing people that you have dealt with the situation and that there is nothing more to witness. If the troll responds to you, you did something wrong. The only option left is to start using clever insults (see step 3 for clever insults).
Another part of step 2 is to come to the rescue of anybody who is under attack by trolls and haters (a hater is a troll but they are exclusively straight white men with acne). If somebody is under attack, save them! Swoop in and dispel the criminal scum with your mighty might. Use Socratic reasoning to make them confused! Inform them that you are actually a police officer! Offer the person you just saved an upvote or whatever the fuck it is that you use to show epeen on the site you're on! Make sure they know that you just gave them virtual Viagra so they will be forever in your debt! A good way to come to the rescue of somebody is by showing a stalker-ish level of fondness and kindness towards them. Take this post on imgur as an example!
http://imgur.com/gallery/IQ7fJ
See that? Somebody was in distress! So our hero sent them a package with a bunch of shit in it because they are so nice and definitely don't want to stick their penis inside of her vagina! And what's more, she returned the kindness by fishing for upvotes and shamelessly whoring for karma! EVERYBODY WINS!

Step 3: Use witty insults.
A normal insult is stupid.
"I disagree with you."
"Shut up asshole."
See that? I'm already asleep. Let's try that again.
"I disagree with you."
"Now listen here you cocksucking douchewagon of a twatasaurus rex."
Wow! That was much more effective! By randomly combining various swears with nouns and adjectives that are otherwise completely innocuous, we've created a super-threatening, cool-sounding insult that will leave the recipient pissing their pants! There's nothing more to this section, you penisphone handling asspants.

Step 4: Remind everyone that you're a girl.
As a girl, I can confirm that this works every time. 90% of being cool and loved universally comes down to this: Remind everyone that you, like me, are a woman. Make sure to use common misrepresentations of the female anatomy frequently, such as "my ovaries exploded" when you see a hot guy. As we all know, ovaries are the organs that experience sexual stimulation in a woman (the gender that I am). Make sure to shoehorn in your gender at least every ten posts or so. If you are reading a thread about Pokemon, say "as a girl, I think Machamp is the coolest Pokemon ever". This establishes not only your gender, but also how you break away from gender roles just like every other person on the planet once you get to know something about them other than the clothes they wear and the haircut they have! By the way, if you didn't already know, I am a woman with boobs and a vajayjay (always use cutesy words when talking about things of a sexual nature) and boobs and rights and boobs and I love my boyfriend. Who is the opposite gender of me.

Now that you have this guide go forth and be absolute pieces of shit that ruin every aspect of the internet!
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Re: How To Be A Really Cool Person (On The Internet)

Post by Mr. Freeze on Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:01 pm

This guide doesn't actually work, and you're a liar Wink

You clearly have no idea what you're talking about. As a girl, I can safely say to everyone: Avoid this troll! Trolling kills kittens and narwhals, and I won't fall for it. Surely you can see my way of thinking and understand why you're wrong?

Now, move along, everyone. Nothing else to see here tongue
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Re: How To Be A Really Cool Person (On The Internet)

Post by Trollestia on Sun Oct 13, 2013 1:46 pm

Uhhhhhhhhh, bacon (waits for uparrows).
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Re: How To Be A Really Cool Person (On The Internet)

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